A Psychopath's Mind
by starry night blue
Summary: [COMPLETE] After being thrown into jail, Enishi is left with nothing but to imitate his sister by keeping a diary...curious to know what thoughts dwell in our madman's mind?
1. Chapter 1

**D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin…or any other anime, to be exact…(sigh)**

**Ok, folks, this is the first fic I write in which Enishi stars, I dunno if I did a good job with it, but I did give it my best shot. Hope you like it.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1:**

_Spring of 1879_

It's been two weeks since Battousai beat me in our duel and I got sent to jail. For two whole weeks all I've been doing is sitting in my damp cell with that weirdo of a thief as my cell partner, and staring into empty space, or listening to the ramblings of my cell partner, or fantasizing about Kaoru…oh, and there's the sweat I work up every day after five hours of hard labor given to me by that bastard of a warden.

I smile when I remember yesterday; that's when Kaoru had appeared behind my cell bars with that stunningly beautiful smile on her face and broke the gloom surrounding me. I still can't believe she actually came to see me after what I've done to her and Battousai, I thought she would loathe me for that, but on the contrary, she came and started asking me about how I was doing, and if I were in good health or not, and if were eating my meals regularly…she had been an angel to me. I don't know how a bastard like Battousai wound up with a girl like her; it doesn't make any sense!

Kaoru got me a little present along; she bought me this journal, and now I'm filling its pages with my first entry. She's such a sweet, considerate person; she must've known that this cell bores the crap out of me, and she thought of getting me something which will provide me with some entertainment, and it worked, I'm starting to relax and ease off a little.

Thinking of Battousai makes me remember our last duel. Battousai beat me. He beat me even though I've spent years of training in China. All my work, my effort was gone when Battousai beat me. I've wasted more than ten years of my life and in the end I couldn't even harm Battousai…I couldn't avenge Tomoe…she protected him though; she came and shielded him when I was about to perform my final blow, the blow which would've definitely killed off Battousai and rid the world of him for good…but she came and protected him…

I don't understand. Why would she protect him? Wasn't he the one who had killed her so brutally when she was only trying to help? Wasn't he the one who stole her happiness and ended her life? Wasn't he the one who had killed Akira, her fiancé? So, why…just why…did she get out of her way to save him again! That bastard doesn't deserve to live, he didn't deserve Tomoe and will never deserve Kaoru. The least of what should've happened to him was having him end up in this cell with this lunatic of a thief instead of me. But that didn't happen; people think highly of the great Battousai, they consider him a hero…some hero…

Tomoe…

I still remember the day he killed her ever so clearly. I stood and watched every single thing…every little detail…I would've done something and rescued my sister if my limbs hadn't been so paralyzed. I saw her move between Kenshin and that guy, I saw her grasping the dagger out of the man's hand, I saw Battousai slashing through the length of my sister's back, I saw the blood…

There was too much blood; the blood of the man and the blood of Tomoe, but most of it Tomoe's. There was blood everywhere. The snow was no longer white, it had become deep red; the color of Tomoe's blood. Ever since then, I've hated the colors red and white…but unfortunately for me, my hair turned white and all what I could see before me was red…anger, hatred…

I saw Tomoe lift up her hand, and when she did, some hope made its way to my heart; hope that she would be okay; that she wouldn't die…She lifted up the dagger and cut Battousai's cheek, completing the cross-shaped scar on his face. Then her hand fell back to the snow, and she never moved again…and from that moment on, I vowed to cut Battousai as well…vowed to slice him in two, to kill him just like he killed Tomoe…

But I failed…I failed miserably…I've failed Tomoe; I didn't keep my promise. She's angry at me now, I'm sure of it…she'll never smile down on me again, not ever. I wanted to make her proud, but I shamed her, and I shamed myself. The only good thing about this dark cell is that it allows me to wallop in my own shame without anyone looking at me and pitying me or feeling sorry for me…I hate it when people feel sorry for me, it makes me feel weak, and I'm not weak. I'm strong…only I've found out that Battousai is stronger…he's stronger because he's got Kaoru on his side…heck! He's even got Tomoe on his side! And me? Who have I got?

I've got nothing…I've got no one…I'm all alone…I always was, and always will be…

I'd give anything to go back in time…to go back to the time when our parents were still alive, and when Tomoe was still alive, and as beautiful and blooming and happy as ever…to the time when there was no Himura…

But that's not possible, or I wouldn't be sitting in this tiny cell with that madman, and Tomoe wouldn't be dead, and Himura wouldn't be out there with Kaoru…he might be even dead…

The warden is calling lights-out in ten minutes, and I've got to finish this entry now. Once again, I repeat…Kaoru is a total angel. Only angels would be sweet enough to come check upon people who have harmed them…

You know…maybe I'm not so alone after all…

**A/N: Alright, how was that for my first chappie? It's full of angst, I know…but that's how Enishi is. Anyway, if you have any comments on the story, then please review…and if you liked the story, then please review as well…oh, and wait for my second chapter!**

_**-ZEN.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

**Hi! Me again! Thank you all for the reviews! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but I was kinda busy…point is, I'm not busy now and I managed to update chapter 2…so, happy reading!**

**Chapter 2:**

_Spring of 1879_

Last night I did some serious thinking…and I managed to continue with that during the twelve hours of labor I've been forced to put up with today…don't ask how I managed to think clearly with the warden's whip on my back the entire time…I just did.

I've been thinking about my life, about what I achieved in it, about what I did…and I've been wondering whether it was worthwhile or not. I mean, seriously, what _have _I achieved in it? My whole life had been full of blood and murder…I saw my parents being murdered, I saw my sister being murdered, I, myself, murdered the family which had took me in and cared for me after my sister's death, and then I gathered around my own troop and together we've murdered people just for fun and practice…

Speaking of my troop…I wonder what had happened to them after I got imprisoned. Did they die? Did they get imprisoned themselves? Those guys where the nearest thing I've had to a family after Tomoe's death…they were truly loyal and remained by my side till the very end…

I've done some more thinking on my duel with Battousai…I've been trying to find out _why _he had offered to let me take his life even though he had won the battle fair and square. He said that if killing him would make _me _smile, he would gladly let me do it…but why? Why would he want to give me that pleasure after all the trouble I've caused him? Why? And to think that I almost did it if it weren't for Kaoru…what does that make me? A cold-blooded killer. And what does that make Battousai? Much as I hate to admit it, it makes him a selfless person, a selfless, gallant person, that's what.

Would killing Battousai have made Tomoe proud of me? Would that have made her smile upon me? Or would she have hated me for it? As I look back into the years, I remember them together; Tomoe and Battousai. Those two were madly in love with each other; any fool could've seen that. Why she loved him, I don't know, point is she did…she sacrificed herself so he would continue to live…he killed her, although he says he didn't. He explained to me that he never saw Tomoe coming in front of him until it was too late…ha! A likely tale!

But Battousai, too, loved Tomoe dearly, and that made me think over his words. What if he really hadn't meant to kill Tomoe? What if he really had done it by mistake? What if…? I really don't have any answer…if Tomoe were here, she'd give me answers, but she isn't…she's dead.

My lunatic of a cell companion had made plans to escape, he had reached to some of his gang members and together worked a plan which will help him escape…don't ask how he did it; he might be experienced in escaping prisons and that's what made it easy for him…as for me, I've never had to escape any prison before, I was never imprisoned.

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to come along. You know what I said? No, I didn't say yes. I said no. I said I didn't want to escape. I told him that I wanted to stay here in this cell and never go out. I bet he thought I was as much of a lunatic as I thought he was. But I wasn't crazy; I had my reasons for wanting to stay. I wanted to stay because I had no reason to escape.

That man probably has friends, troops and maybe family out there…he might have work and robberies and forgeries which he still hadn't carried out. Me? I don't have any family; any family I used to have is deceased. Friends? I don't have any friends…Kaoru was as closest to the term friend as I could have, but she still won't accept me in if I came to her doorstep. Troops? My troop is probably dead by now. Work? I don't have any work left to do…the only work I wanted to accomplish had been a total failure. So, you see, there's really nothing waiting for me out there in the world; I've even lost my thirst to kill Battousai…

No, I'm not crazy…I'm perfectly sane as far as I'm concerned.

He said he's going to escape today, he asked me again repeatedly if I want to come with him, but I gave him a solid "no". And when I did, he'd shake his head and mutter something under his breath. His offer hadn't tempted me on bit, because my mind is set on staying, and nothing he says will ever change my mind.

He's pacing in circles around the cell before me while I'm writing this entry now. The warden has called the lights-out ages ago, and I've had to sit and write this by the candle-light. Suddenly, we hear some low voices on the other side of the cell wall, and we see a hook being thrown through the iron bars of the small window. It caught around one of the bars, and whoever was on the other side started to pull; they were going to wrench the bars out of their place so my companion can escape. Not a bright plan, but…

My companion's gone. I had watched as they pulled out two of the iron bars, leaving a space wide enough for him to squeeze through. He had bid me farewell before climbing through the window, and had asked me again to come with him, but, again, I refused. He just shook his head in exasperation then, wished me luck, and left. I'm all alone in this little cell now.

You know, come to think of it, the man wasn't that bad, he was actually good at heart. Pity I didn't appreciate that any sooner or I'd have more entertaining days here in this gloomy place.

I've suddenly realized something. Now that he had escaped, the warden and the other guards will come and question me about it…even worse, they might put the blame on me…and what will they do then? Will they execute me? Will they…?

Uh-oh, I hear footsteps coming down the corridor…many footsteps; they must've found out he had escaped…I think I'd better finish this off now…or they might take it and shred it to pieces…

**A/N: Ok, how did this chappie grab you? Was it good enough? I really hope you liked it, because if you did, then I expect a review from you ! Wait for my next chappie!**

_**-ZEN.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

**Ok, here I am, back with my third chappie! Thanks for those who reviewed. Anyway, I'll stop talking now and let you get on with the chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

**CHAPTER 3:**

_Spring of 1879_

My companion in the cell got executed at dawn, along with all his friends. I heard the gun shots as I sat here on my hard bunk, unable to sleep due to the wounds given to me by the warden's whip…that's why I haven't been able to write in my journal for a long while…

The warden suspected that I had helped my cell companion to escape, and he had been whipping me and putting me under extremely tiring tasks to try and get me to confess, but of course, I didn't; I hadn't taken any part in the escape plan and for the first time in my life, I was innocent. I was innocent and yet they didn't believe me. That really made me angry.

He only stopped when my companion had been caught. It was the first time I've ever seen the warden look so pleased. Two weeks after his escape, I saw him being dragged back into prison with three of his friends. They put them in some other cell and they executed them at dawn. There were too many gunshots and too many screams…I'm still thanking God I didn't agree to escape with him, or I would've ended up the same way he did.

And if you'll believe it, the warden brought me a doctor to clean me up yesterday! I don't think he was doing it of good will, I only think he was doing it so I would be able to get up and work, seeing as my condition wouldn't allow me to perform any task. He brought the one doctor I would've wanted to see if I needed a doctor…Megumi Takani.

It's not as if I liked the woman or anything, but she was a friend of Kaoru's, and I could ask her about Kaoru…that made me really happy. But, unfortunately, Takani didn't want to do as much as look at me, and when she did, she'd look at me with an expression of deep loathing. I asked her many questions, but she didn't answer a single one of them. She just kept tending silently to my wounds. She was a good doctor, anyway, I felt much better when she was done with me…I saw that she had treated the wounds in a very proper way, not the hasty, unprofessional way I expected her to take.

She had helped me back into my prison clothes, packed up her medication kit, told me how to change my wrapping…she left me a few bandages and ointments…and left the cell. The warden pulled the door of the cell shut, and I expected her to leave then. But she just stood there, and I could see the ghost of a small smile hovering over her red lips, and then she said, "Kaoru says hello…and tells you to take good care of yourself."…and then she left.

I couldn't believe it. Kaoru had actually sent me a greeting with her friend! And she told me to take care of myself! For the first time in days, I felt genuinely happy! Kaoru apparently cared for me!

I paid dearly for my obvious joy. The warden, apparently, was horrified to see me so happy, and he gave me extra hours of labor so he could wipe the blissful smile off my face. But no matter what he did, I still felt happy. What Megumi told me really sent a feeling of euphoria into me which none of her drugs and medicines seemed to grant me.

But what if Kaoru didn't say that out of care for me? What if she said it as a way of being polite and nice? What if she really didn't mean it? I like to think of Kaoru as a sweet and trustworthy person, but I can't help these thoughts from creeping into my head.

I mean, why would she care for me? What have I done so she would think of me? Nothing. I have caused her nothing but absolute pain and grief, I can't remember her smiling when she had been with me on the island…and why would she smile for some one like me?

Maybe she said it out of contempt and pity…yes, that seems the most likely reason. She pitied me, and so told Megumi to deliver the message as a way of showing that she pitied me.

I was an idiot to think that she even cared for me. Nobody ever did, and nobody ever will…I don't care, anyway, I don't need anybody's love, I'm fine on my own…

…if only I could have Tomoe back, though…

**A/N: That was my third chapter. Sorry it was too short, but I hope you liked it just the same, and I really hope you'll send me a review after this. Wait for my next chappie!**

_**-ZEN.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

**Hello! I'm back! Thank you all for the reviews; you won't believe how happy they made me! Sorry for the long wait but I was grounded; I wasn't even allowed to use the computer! So, anyway, I was finally able to write this chappie and here it is now…so, enjoy!**

**CHAPTER 4:**

_Spring of 1879_

I haven't written in this journal since ages, and not because I didn't have time…no, I had plenty of time. I just didn't write because I didn't want to write. I didn't want to write in a diary which was a present of pity and contempt. I think now more than ever that Kaoru's actions had all been a result of the pity she felt towards me, and not because she cared for me as I stupidly thought…why else didn't she come to visit me again?

I just thought of writing today because I've been bored to hell and I wanted to do something other than several hours of labor. Nothing seemed more appealing that writing an entry, and so here I am, writing one just in a desperate attempt to kill time.

My wounds have finally healed; that Takani woman seriously did a good job treating them, I have to give her that much. I wonder how she willed herself to help me, but I think that's what doctors do, isn't it? They help people regardless of who they are. Pity Kaoru isn't a doctor…if she was; I'd have gone and gotten myself some serious wounds just so I could set eyes on her pretty face. Yes, I know I said I was upset with her because she looked at me with pity, but I still do care about her.

Some people might consider that just an act of hypocrisy, but frankly, I do not. I truly care for Kaoru…she's the only person other than Tomoe who had managed to touch my soul. No one ever gave a damn thought to what I felt or what thoughts filled my mind…all the people I've ever crossed paths with just cared about my assassinating skills. They would just tell me the name of the person they'd want me to kill, hand me a heavy pouch of money, and leave me to my job. They would say that they are leaving me so I would be able to concentrate on my mission, but I know that's not the truth. Those people are just intimidated by me, they just don't like hanging around me long enough in fear of me getting any ideas of killing them…the thought of that makes me laugh like crazy…

No, seriously, I wonder what people see when they look at me. Do they just see an assassin…a white-haired assassin? Don't they ever look at me as a person? A person who has thoughts and feelings? Am I just a body occupied by an assassin's soul in their eyes? Does Kaoru see me like that as well?

No, even I have emotions…even I have feelings; I get hurt and angry and sad and happy and excited…I even feel content when the beautiful smell of the cherry trees finds its way to my nose. When I'm doing my hours of labor outside in the sun, I keep inhaling the sweet smell; it really takes my mind of things. I know there's a whole bunch of cherry trees outside the prison walls, and I wish to see them one day…although I know I never will.

A single cherry blossom blew towards me while I was working today. It was seriously beautiful, and it somehow reminded me of Kaoru. When I looked at the soft, delicate petals, all I could think off was Kaoru's sweet and gentle personality. I'm holding it in my hands now, and it still looks as pretty as ever. I just wish I could hold Kaoru in my arms the same way I'm holding the blossom…but that's just a fantasy, it can never come true.

I don't have a purpose in this life. I really don't intend to spend the rest of my life in this cell, doing hours of labor everyday and taking insults and whips from that bastard of a warden…even fantasies about Kaoru aren't worth it. But at the same time, I don't wish to leave. I don't want to have to face the world…this prison offers me some kind of protection that I never thought it would have.

I need to go somewhere else…

I need to go somewhere where I wouldn't be feeling at loss…because, yes, I'm feeling at loss. I'm feeling at loss at what to think and what to feel and what to say and what to believe. And I really hate that. I like to be focused and not like this…feeling lost makes me also feel weak…and I'm not weak…at least, I don't like to think I am…

I would really like to be with my sister right now. She'd tell me what to do, she'd clear all this loss from my head…but, unfortunately, I can't…or can I?

I look at the blossom again and think of Kaoru. But then I go back in my memory and I think of Tomoe…my sister had always been there for me…and Kaoru…she'd helped me, but not as much as Tomoe did…

I'm sorry, Kaoru…

**A/N: Okay, so that was it…my forth chapter. Let's see…one more chapter left, yes, that's right. Anyway, how did you like this chapter? Was it nice? What do you suppose is going to happen? You can guess but you'll never be sure…until then, plz review!**

_**-ZEN.**_


	5. Epilogue

**D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

**Hello, I'm back! Thanx for the reviews; they were all very nice! And now, I'm gonna stop blabbering and let you read the last chappie. I'll meet you at the end of this!**

**Enjoy!**

**EPILOGUE:**

'This is for you, madam,'

Kaoru stared down at the book the warden was holding out for her; it was the journal she had given to Enishi two months ago, why was he giving it to her? Could Enishi be angry that she hadn't visited him in two months, and that's why he was returning her gift? But she couldn't come; she had been taken ill and couldn't leave the bed for ages.

However, she took the journal from the warden with a small murmur of thanks. A folded note slipped out of the book, and, frowning, she bent to pick it up. She unfolded the note, and found, amongst the words, a single cherry blossom. She took it in her hand and pored over the content of the note.

_Dear Kaoru,_

_What I want to say to you cannot be contained within this useless piece of paper, but I'll try my best…_

_By the time you read this letter, I'll be long gone from this world…please don't grieve me, Kaoru, because I can't bear to be the cause of your sadness…ironic, isn't it? Because I think you'll be positively delighted when I pass away…I think it's best to say; don't pity me, Kaoru….I've always hated being pitied…and I'd hate it the most if it came from you…_

_I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I regret each and every one of them. I really don't know what made me do them…I'm not going to hide behind the shadow of my sister's death as an excuse, because the things I did cannot be defined under the term "revenge". Revenge doesn't make people commit murders just for the fun of it…_

_I felt guilty. That feeling had been eating at my body and soul ever since I got thrown into this little cell and have had time to think about all my former actions. I found I couldn't live with this growing feeling anymore…that is what made me do what I did; I punished myself when the law wouldn't punish me itself. Guilt was another enemy I couldn't defeat…_

_I guess the whole point of this letter is for me to say, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for all the trouble and grief I've ever caused you, Kaoru, and I hope that someday you'll forgive me…and when you do, I'll forgive myself. I'll feel at peace even though I know I'll be burning in the deepest point of hell…_

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Enishi Yukishiro._

_P.S. Thank you for the journal._

A single tear trickled down Kaoru's cheek when she finished reading the letter. She squeezed the note tightly in her hand as she rounded on the warden.

'When did this happen?' she croaked.

'We found him today morning,' the warden told her. 'He had stabbed himself to death with his pencil…don't ask me how he managed to do that. We found this journal and he had a note beside it on which he had requested that we give it to you.'

Kaoru nodded, and looked sadly at the cherry blossom in her hand. _Poor Enishi…_

'Er…we buried him a couple of hours ago,' the warden told her. 'Would you like to pay his grave a visit?'

'Yes, please,' Kaoru said without hesitation.

'Well, then, if you'll follow me…' he said, leading her out of the prison building.

'Where did you bury him?' she asked suddenly.

'He had also requested that we burry him underneath a cherry tree,' he answered. 'We always carry out the request of the dead.'

He led her around the prison walls to the very back, where she was actually surprised to see the cluster of trees growing there. He guided her to one of the biggest trees, and pointed at the tomb.

'There he is,' he told her. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my office.'

'Yes, of course,' she said absently, as she gazed down at the small tomb. She stood watching it till the warden's footsteps faded, and then she bent down and placed the cherry blossom on the tomb. She smiled. 'I hope you've found your peace at last…and I hope you've rejoined with your sister…'

She paused for a moment, and felt the tomb with the tips of her fingers.

'And don't worry, Enishi…' she whispered softly. 'I forgive you.'

**A/N: Aaah, so sad, isn't it? But it still was pretty good, right? I hope so, because I worked hard on it. And mind you, I'm expecting reviews for my effort, so cough up, people!**

**Before I go, I'd like to thank the people who read and reviewed my story:**

**Shimmering Tear, Blueberry Stain, skenshingumi, Jieli, meant2be, Anonymous T, Viperthe strange, haruko sohma, Sadoko, aisha89, Crystal Winds, Shenyu.**

**Thanks!**


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